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Divorce Humor

Divorce Jokes Marriage Jokes Wedding Jokes

A young woman is divorced after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again.
Right now, no," the young woman answers "I've hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control."

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous."
Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over a woman wearing a torn housecoat, with curlers in her hair and cream on her face, and she tries to nag him out of it.

Sam meets Doug at the bar after his day at divorce court. "Did the judge split everything fairly when he granted your wife a divorce?" asked Doug.
Sam replies, "Sort of. She got to keep the house, the car, the boat, the furniture and the dog. I got to keep everything I was wearing."

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.

Jill went to the bank and applied for a loan. "I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."
"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says, "We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements...."
Jill interrupts and says, "Well, this is certainly a 'Home Improvement."

Q. What's the only thing divorce proves?

A. Whose mother was right in the first place.

Jack is telling his friends about his recent divorce.
"Yeah, she divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."

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"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.
"Fifty years," Grandma replied.
"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"
"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times."

After just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce. A friend,
Mary, trying to console her said that you never know what a man's like until you live with him.
"Awwww Mary... I shoulda left him right after the honeymoon." Jill said. "Not only did he NOT take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -- all we did was drive through a car wash a couple of times, real slow."

Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce."
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Wife: "Yes, of course."
Lawyer: "Then you have grounds."

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"

A man was standing first in line for tickets from those who had canceled their reservations to a sold-out play.
The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the two women behind the man. "You wouldn't want to come between Mother and daughter, would you?"
The man turned around, and replied, "No. I did that once, and regretted it right up until the divorce."

Half of all marriages end in divorce.
That's not as bad as it sounds. The other half ended in death."

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"

Mary: Were your parents upset when you got a divorce?
Jill: Well, you know how parents are. My mother said, "SO! Is this how it's going to be? Just one man after another for the rest of your life?"
Mary: Typical! What did you tell her?
Jill: I said, "Gee, I hope so!"

These days, parents pray the youngest child will get married and move out before the oldest one gets divorced and moves back in.

At inspection one morning, an officer asked a private who was thinking about no re-enlisting, "Are you married, son?"
"No, sir," he replied. "Engaged."
"There's no need to get married," the officer said, sensing an opportunity to change the private's plans for discharge. "The Marine Corps is your wife. It clothes you, feeds you, puts a roof over your head, keeps you in top physical condition and provides you with companionship. What else could you possibly want?"
"With all due respect, sir," answered the private, "a divorce!"

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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